🕳🐇 000 – Why I Decided to Suffer Some More
Rabbitholes: An Introduction
I haven’t gotten the results for my Master’s thesis yet, but I have started drafting my PhD proposal. And even at this early stage, the process has me asking myself – what are you getting yourself into? Again!!
There was a period of time last year – at least a week – during which I spent entire days crying and writing. Yes, literally crying while writing because my deadline was looming and I was on my third rewrite of a 10,000-word chapter and I had never heard of Lacan before 2020 (I‘m a science student, damnit!) and yet, somehow had decided to use Lacanian theories.
It’ll probably get harder with a PhD. And there’ll be other things to consider like research funding and school fees and so on. But I am compelled to pursue this further. Why?
1. I really enjoyed the process.
In spite of the crying, there was something extremely satisfying about doing deep work. I couldn’t rush the process or hack my way through it.
I’d spend days struggling to grasp a particular theory and then suddenly – click – understanding would fall into place and the writing would take just a few hours. In doing this, I finally understood why people meditate on scripture.
2. I am an anxious overthinker.
I don’t want to use the word obsessive because I am relatively functional, but there are times when I find myself ruminating over totally useless and unproductive things, like an awkward conversation from 2014 or whether the pain in my lower back means my kidneys are failing.
I’ve found some ways to manage these anxieties e.g. I go for regular ultrasounds and play The Sims 4. But when I was working on my thesis last year, it became the major portion of my worries and anxieties. And at least the overthinking was productive.
3. I have unanswered questions.
Maybe the more accurate thing to say is that I’m not happy with the current answers available. I think there’s more to discover and uncover. There’s more to think about and more to theorise. And I want to be a part of that.
This section of The Sex Beat will be a bit more personal. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll write about yet, but what I know is this: As much as I love it, it’s really tough doing research in solitude. This is my attempt to seek company 🥲